my tubes in snow

My childhood friend’s very short mother stood eye to eye in front of me, a seven-year old, and shook her finger at me, “YOU are so BIG!”   I remember thinking, “big was bad.”  I wondered why I was not seen for who I was.   When I grew to over 5’10” and over two hundred pounds at certain points of my life, men and women have called me ‘a force.’  Something is dreadfully wrong.   I scare people who think they know me, but they don’t know my insides.

I do not think of myself as big, or a force.  I am strong enough to move a roll top desk by myself, shovel a ditch and spread forty five-gallon buckets of pea gravel into a zen garden.  I have always felt like an athlete, not a fast one, but capable of swimming over a mile at a time without struggle.  I rely on my strength to feel accomplished.  I have felt shame and confusion from being judged because of it.

My pinball approach to life, acting and then feeling weird about what I did, is part of my character.  I’m trying to articulate what is going on inside of me. Continue reading “Where does the inside meet the outside?” »