love and lose or lose without love

April 25th, 2017

hello, goodbye, to feel or no

Time runs its course, decades come and go, and sometimes we lurch forward into profound realization. 

A couple of blog topics tried to express the difficulty I have with the month of April, and reconciling my past.  I’ve been filling days with yard work, chanting prayers and trying to stay in the present moment.

I looked at a picture of my young father taken in happy times, and it occurred to me that I never thanked him for giving me my brother.  Grateful insight gave me pause.  If my brother hadn’t been born, lived his short life and died, I never would have known how much love capacity I held.

Would I love and lose?  Absolutely.  I would choose love and make a million mistakes by loving.  I would endure the trapped emotional vulnerability that made me think I was dying, but I would still choose to love, and live with losing.

Confidence in love is a new emotion for me.   I choose to love even if loss is part of the deal.  Death is death, and obviously we’re all dying sometime. Do we all get a chance to love?

My father and brother died within five years of each other when I was young.  I went through two grieving processes back to back.  Death’s reality was easier to accept than forgiving myself for missing them.  Other people thought I should get over it and move on more quickly than I was able.

For me, growing older means facing truth that death and life don’t exist for my convenience.  I can only control whether or not I show up for my emotions that surround loss.  Love has been a comfort despite death.  Thanking my father for my brother after fifty years is an example of how strong love can be over the sorrow of losing.

Love and lose.  If I don’t love, I lose worse.  For me, love is worth the effort.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *