oh, the pain of creating my own chaos

I didn’t know what an ego was for a very long time, and there are two ordinary definitions, one concerns self-esteem and the other is a psychological term between conscious and unconscious mind responsible for our identity.

The bottom line is the ego part of our brain separates people from other people.  When I make a ego decision based only on what I think I want, I don’t consider the impact of my decision on other people.

The other day I was raking in the yard when  it occurred to me: forty years ago I cursed my first husband during a massive argument, using words like, “May you burn in hell and have a shit life.” We broke up.  Decades passed, and I heard that his grown children from another marriage had been ferociously harmed in their lives through violence and drugs.

The curse flashed through my mind, and I thought, Your curse caused their pain.

How could I have gone on for so many years and not remembered that I cursed him?  Should I call him up and apologize AGAIN?  Should I say I just remembered the curse after all these years, and didn’t mean it?

I immediately got on the phone and called a trusted friend who set me straight.  “Your ego is talking. You aren’t that powerful to have caused those tragedies. If you get in contact with those from your past life, you might stir up the pain again.  You already apologized for your part in your past marriage. You are not in the picture anymore.  The parents have suffered and managed on their own all these years without your apology.”

I became ‘right sized’ again.  I listened to her.  ‘My ego is not my amigo.’  Just because boredom has me looking for chaos to stir up stuff for something to do, does not give me the right to create chaos in other people’s lives, especially in tragic circumstances they live with every day concerning their now-adult children.

Reacting in my ego brain isn’t healthy for a peaceful lifestyle. It’s not about what I want and how I should fix things to ease my guilt about cursing someone.  It’s about managing my ego.

Thankfully, I’m not the only one practicing healthy thinking.  Other people tell me they’ve also had ego ‘attacks’ like I had.  I can hear what they say and how they manage. I don’t need to create a situation just to satisfy some thoughts that run through my mind.   This bit of wisdom didn’t come easily, but I’m glad to pass along some insight.