I spoke in public to about fifty people the other day. I shared my experience, talked about changes in my life, and how beautiful today feels because I decided to try and openly tell my truth, accept mistakes I have made and what I learned from them. I gave a testimonial impromptu type of speech, standing at a lectern.
I opened my heart to people who listened to me, they did not sleep. I talked about mistakes I made growing up, and what I learned from making those mistakes. When I finished talking, I ended with a message of hope about the healing power of telling the truth. I focused on what other people can learn from my truth. I faced pain from alcohol and survived my father’s mental illness. My past traumatic experiences diminish when I bring them to light and learn to understand what I experienced. I have a sense of personal integrity when I understand what happened to me. I can’t change the past, but I’m no longer fearful of remembering the pain it caused me growing up. I learned something.
Guess what??? As I drove back home after giving the speech, I fell into my old thinking. The old attack: shame rears its ugly head inside my brain to haunt me. Shame on me. I am a bad girl for being alive. I embarrassed myself in front of strangers and they hated me. It feels like an attack, and episode of insanity. Continue reading “Shaking Off Shame” »