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Blueberries for Carol, Sandy and Pru

July 29th, 2014

blueberriesYipee! My first blueberry picking invitation! Carol and Sandy invited me, and picked me up early in the next morning.  We drove up Lily Gap road ten miles to Mills You-Pick Blueberry Farm outside of West Point, California, acres of blueberries, with hundreds of bushes, all types and sizes.  Three dollars per pound for you-pick, about half the cost in a store these days.  The area is netted over the hundreds of bushes, so birds don’t win the picking game.  The sun wasn’t up yet, so it was still cool.

Sandy pulled her car up to a nearby little trailer used for headquarters, and I watched a skunk scurry out from the bushes, and run under the fence into the woods.  Mr.Mills came over on his all terrain vehicle to greet us and get us going.  One gallon milk jugs cut open at the top hung from a tree, for use as collecting buckets.  My friends had brought their own containers, but I only brought plastic bags, so I tried his milk jug method, very easy. Continue reading “Blueberries for Carol, Sandy and Pru” »

Shaking Off Shame

July 22nd, 2014

shame pointing-fingerI spoke in public to about fifty people the other day. I shared my experience, talked about changes in my life, and how beautiful today feels because I decided to try and openly tell my truth, accept mistakes I have made and what I learned from them. I gave a testimonial impromptu type of speech, standing at a lectern.

I opened my heart to people who listened to me, they did not sleep. I talked about mistakes I made growing up, and what I learned from making those mistakes. When I finished talking, I ended with a message of hope about the healing power of telling the truth.  I focused on what other people can learn from my truth. I faced pain from alcohol and survived my father’s mental illness. My past traumatic experiences diminish when I bring them to light and learn to understand what I experienced.  I have a sense of personal integrity when I understand what happened to me. I can’t change the past, but I’m no longer fearful of remembering the pain it caused me growing up.  I learned something.

Guess what???  As I drove back home after giving the speech, I fell into my old thinking. The old attack: shame rears its ugly head inside my brain to haunt me.  Shame on me.  I am a bad girl for being alive.  I embarrassed myself in front of strangers and they hated me.  It feels like an attack, and episode of insanity. Continue reading “Shaking Off Shame” »

Listening is the main thing

July 1st, 2014
listening

listening is a miracle

 

I returned tonight from an Oregon trip and a visit with my blood-sister, who lives south of Portland and doesn’t get to California. She’s been my friend since 1960, and I wrote about our blood ritual in my memoir. We go so far back, she remembers my relations who used to be on the planet; my mother, father, brother, cats and the dog. I remember her deceased mother, brother, her dog, and her sister who still breathes, but I haven’t seen in over fifty years! Each of us have raised children, but her tragedy is so new.

I drove up to listen. She’s returning from hell. Her adult son recently drowned in a waterfall, and it’s so unspeakable to talk grief over the phone. We needed to look into each other’s eyes. We are not dead, yet.  She’s returning from that slow, long, long trip, and  all I can do is love her.

Continue reading “Listening is the main thing” »

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