we need to talk

Self discovery often means I work out my confusions while I sleep.  I dreamt a nightmare last night and woke up grateful that the dream wasn’t real, but wow, it did teach me something.

The main dream action was a medusa-like woman driving a fire engine, uncontrollably approaching my husband from behind.  I’m either sitting beside him or I’m out of the vehicle (dreams let us do that).  Instead of pulling over, he speeds up, loses control of the car and crashes into a house.  I fear he’s dead, and wake up really upset.

So what’s to consider about that dream?   Analysis of it can symbolically deepen my waking life.  I have been in recovery for decades, and childhood fears stemming from my family of origin, alcoholism and feeling neglected as a child are rearing their demonic emotions as an adult.  It’s not like growing up in years diminishes my childish responses.  If I’m the woman driving the uncontrollable fire engine, I don’t mean to kill my husband or cause him harm, but I do hurt him.

During our marriage, I have dismissed him and ignored how he responds to situations.  My self absorbed mindset wasn’t always available for subtle cues my quiet husband sent me about his feelings through the years.  Without realizing it, I’m sure I have bulldozed right over him without giving him a second thought, especially when I flippantly respond to his concerns or more cautious way of living, waving off his anxiety.

This morning was different.  I told him the about emotional truth.   I felt needy and wanted to stop building more walls between us.  I asked him to please help me process my dream.  He was willing to listen to the main action, and his interpretation included his personal realization about the way he built up personal walls in his own life, stemming from his pre-teen years, developing his own private style which he keeps to himself.

For me, I almost shed a tear.  If you’re following my blog stories, I have learned not to cry.  I don’t want to be cut off at the neck from my tears anymore.  I want to blend my mind, body and spirit, and look at painful personal characteristics such as selfishness.

‘Doing my thing’ all the time can dismiss people.  Even though that might sound trite, with a long term marriage, not being available for a partner builds big walls.  I built walls around myself, and  he did too.  We no longer need to build the defense.  We have to be vulnerable, and that doesn’t mean weak.

I truly apologized to my husband for not seeing circumstances as clearly and lovingly as he might have required.

Trusting truth and the recovery process means that I can’t do life alone.  It’s necessary to write and speak about personal things, and not keep the mortar of secrets from hardening into perpetual callousness.

Today I share my dream and the healing that can come from having a nightmare and hope that my story can benefit someone else who struggles with walls.