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I wish he knew

July 7th, 2015
sunrise over the ocean

sunrise over ocean

I love music so much.  I remember where and when songs played in my life. My first kiss occurred in seventh grade, with George, under a pool table at Korinne Koltoff’s house, while her juke box played the Beach Boys’ Surfer Girl. My friends loved the Beatles, but I resonated with Brian Wilson Beach Boys’ harmonies and their tender sounds. I was a Stinson Beach body surfer girl. Continue reading “I wish he knew” »

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writing more than what happened

June 30th, 2015
root

root sunrise

I’ve been writing all my life, triggered by lost things, like fathers and friends, subdivision developments pocking Marin County.  What happened?  I want things to stay the same, but not really.

I hope to explore legacies inherited from my family. When my memoir exploded from my brain, I wanted to tell all the stories left my my people, like the Irish side and my doctor grandpa who built his own skeleton for medical school. People are not interested, but I am.

Ok, I inherited booze problems and a love of words. I sing songs and feel sorrow in my pores. Yet, hilarity and funny expresssions also bend around the corners on how I do my days.

Give me time to keep growing, California weather, color and dreams.  I rely on color because its honest expressions in things like roses and blue sky make my life worth living.  I love to check out the green bushes and grey roads with black tar stripes as I walk on Spink Road in my town.

My dreams contain most of my truth because their messages come when I’m looking for direction.  Sometimes they drive the truth into the future, like when I dreamt about my third husband four years before I met him.

I’m crafting two and three dimensional objects in my studio, what a blast to build with clay or oil up a canvas.

My husband and I built a lavender labyrinth that doubled in size this spring, fed by Mokelumne River water pumped up from our pond. I harvested bouquets that are drying and we may make $50 this year.

I’m happy to still be breathing, and so glad to know you can read!  Thanks for the time you spent on this.

fencewalkers

June 23rd, 2015
fences

kids on fences

My friends and I snuck out at night.   I remember being a fencewalker:

”Meet me after dark over by the fence.  Bring toilet paper, ’cuz you know how we always have to pee once we get on the other side.” My neighbor planned our nighttime journeys on the tops of other neighbor fences.  I jumped out my window, landed on the ground outside my room, snails crunched under my feet, and barefooted my way down to where two fences met.  I hope she didn’t invite Larry, our dorky neighbor from down the street.  Loud and clumsy, he’ll wreck it. Continue reading “fencewalkers” »

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Part 1

June 9th, 2015
Craig is so beautiful

Craig is so beautiful

I didn’t quit my job, just took a leave of absence, in case I hated the fifteen feet of rain that falls annually in Craig, Alaska.  I bought Tim’s new Honda Civic because he was too cheap to give it to me, and parked it at my mother’s for a month while I took a vacation in Baja, Mexico, with a friend in her small RV.

We drove through south and central Mexico, to Guymas, and I had a fling with a charming Argentine-Italian from Cupertino with a sexy voice who was also a teacher.  We sat under dried palm fronds during the day,played in Mulege’s phosphorescent water at night and drank tequilla, which still flattened my ass.  One night we watched the grunion run, incredible army of silver fish swimming to the shore.

After vacation, I drove from Portland to Seattle’s ferry terminal with my Honda packed to about an inch off the ground.  The blue plastic tarpolin on top of the car ripped to shreds on my way up the freeway.  I pulled off to retie it, shaking on the side of the freeway, alone with my two tranquilized cats inside.

I boarded the Columbia, a big ferry, and left Seattle from the harbor with the space needle poking up into the sky. Goodbye city life, I’m fading into the sunset, in God’s hands.  It’s now up to him, her, it, the force, cosmic consciousness, whatever.

In pre-dawn hours the Columbia smoothly rounded a South Eastern corner of the inland passage, Alaska’s Marine Highway.  My sleepy eyes focused on the horizon of Ketchikan’s multi-colored lights, twinkling like a Queen’s jeweled bracelet.  That early August morning, in the water after a rain, fog, and silvery blue-black sky, wilderness wrapped itself around me, smelling of coastal cedars, hemlock, spruce and pine.  I was a chechaquo- a greenhorn, newcomer- preparing to spend my first winter in Alaska. Ketchikan was the last city I saw before sailing west to Prince of Wales Island on the smaller ferry, Aurora.

I unloaded my car off the Colombia as dawn began to glow, and nothing was open at the Ketchikan dock, so I drove five miles down the only main street, Tongass, along the water’s edge, until I reached the historic old boardwalk and creek area.  I peeked through windows slowly as I drove along, and parked on the street.

A tall, stringbean of a man in fishing boots and old Army jacket came out of the Shamrock Bar across the street and loped toward me. He saw my car, circled around it in about four steps.

“Your car’s PACKED!”

“Yeah, I’m moving up here.”

“I mean, it’s JAM-PACKED!”

“Yeah.”

“You’ve got two cats in there?” he peered into the car with his hands shoved in his jacket.

“I’ve got two cats in the box in the passenger seat.”

“My God. I never saw anything like it.” His head hovering over the top of my car, he said, “You’re chechaquo, all right. Let me show you something.”

He motioned to follow him as he turned on his heel, dance-hopped, and jumped toward the creek, waving his arms, laughing like Nathaniel Hawthorne’s Ichabod Crane, looking back at me. We crossed to the top of the bridge, and he pointed toward Ketchikan Creek.

“Ketchikan means stinking fish. In the old days, fish were so thick a man could walk across their backs!”

I looked over and saw solid teeming black mass made of the backs of salmon. Laughing at my huge eyes and half-opened mouth, he said, “I love showing this creek to newcomers.  No one can believe it!”

I boarded my car onto the Aurora ferry. Clouds disappeared, revealing a royal blue sky, and the sun shone in horizontal beams creating long shadows.  We passed abandoned villages like Old Kassan, New Kassan, with their corresponding old and new totem poles still colored richly, and dried up fishing skiffs moored along the rocky shore.

One of the car deck hands invited me to the bridge to introduce me to the captain and watch them navigate. The captain wore silver wire rim glasses and a uniform, looking to me like Mark Twain on a Mississippi River boat, his square, rugged face framed by thinning, gray hair. I stood in back and watched everything. Eventually, the Captain let me steer using the shiny, wooden knobby wheel.

“The Inland Passage is like a great highway of water, and we navigate it using landmarks such as these islands and reefs,” he explained.

Hundreds of tiny islands with only a few trees came and went.  Though I didn’t see them I knew that all through the Southeast Alaska wilderness I was surrounded by bald eagles, ravens, wolves, and black bears, wild rams, and orca whales.

We arrived at Hollis ferry terminal, Prince of Wales Island’s only stop.  The ten foot by twenty foot wooden office stood next to a ramp leading to the only road, and there was no town at Hollis and no pavement, just thirty miles of dirt logging roads running west to Craig.  My car almost bottomed out on the ramp, and it took me over an hour to drive the gravely miles to downtown.

The sun was low when Craig, population nine hundred, came into view, with its mixture of trailers and wooden homes built on a smaller island.  A one-lane bridge connected the island and its fishing marina to another marina. Main Street was a loop. No stop lights, one stop sign in the heart of town.  Children in down vests and jeans walked down the center of the street, stepping aside to stare at my car as I passed by.  Large trawler and seine fishing boats docked; seasonal workers milled around nets.  This was unlike anyplace else on Earth I had ever seen, and it was a dream.

I passed an orange Bronco jeep, and the driver had his window rolled down.  We exchanged eye contact, and he smiled at me.

“Wow” I thought, that smile was worth driving up for.

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It changed but wasn’t wrecked

June 2nd, 2015
our hills

our hills

I was seven years old when Tami invited me down the street to her dress up birthday party.  She was a year older, and I thought she was far more sophisticated than me.  Her dad was a professional photographer and he took a picture of the party girls dressed up in their fancy clothes. Tami stood in the center in her mink, sporting a black eye her brother had given to her by accident.  I stood a couple of girls to her left, wearing a gypsy skirt and top my mom altered for me from her wardrobe. My wide smile showed my thrill to be part of that celebration.  The photograph remains as one of my childhood treasures. Continue reading “It changed but wasn’t wrecked” »

Spiritual walking

May 26th, 2015
Spain-Camino-de-Santiago1

a typical sight on the Camino

I recently made a ten day spiritual walking pilgrimage to Galicia, Spain and the Camino, the way of St. James.  This ancient pilgrimage is 850 km long through Spain, over a thousand years old, and has had a huge resurgence in the last fifteen years. There are many trails, and I only did a small part of it.  It goes lots of places, from France, Portugal, Europe, as far away as Hungary.  The French pilgrimage takes at least two months to walk.   I’m glad to have walked some of it. Continue reading “Spiritual walking” »

Baby’s leg

May 5th, 2015
baby legs are fabulous

baby legs are fabulous

Today I saw a mom looking for art supplies while carrying her six month old cherub in an ergonamically correct backpack.  I flashed back to when I used to do that, not so long ago.

Where does the time go?  Time crawls and then is gone so quickly. It didn’t seem to be a big deal, like I was forever going to walk my baby through an art store.  I gently reached out and touched the baby’s chubby leg and he didn’t even notice.  So many memories of love and miracle flashed back.

That little leg gave me hope.  Someday he would crawl, and then would be a toddler.  My mother in-law used to say her child rearing days were “the best days of her life” and she really loved her boys.  She was a great mom, and her strapping men are noble, with deep integrity.  I hope my sons are as good as hers.

Something about the mom reminded me of when I made CINDY in 1995. Cindy was one of my most important sculptures up to that time. Here’s the story:

Continue reading “Baby’s leg” »

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memory and time

April 21st, 2015
who are the goldfish?

who are the fish?

 

 

 

 

 

perception on the past and the past on perception

I’m a kid or all grown up

life in a tank or a creek

 

I grab the sleek who says it really happened?

time like a slippery goldfish

ten gallon tank

kitchen sink

 

while washing dishes I watch my tank remembering Strawberry’s fair

I won tiny goldfish who traveled home in a plastic bag

the bag burst and fish flopped on our car mat

I’d never seen that before

I picked him up with my hands

 

Alaska creek on Prince of Wales Island

at the beginning or end of a given day

I splash in a stream

and picked up  a coho salmon all squirm with my bare hands

 

 

 

 

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I believe

March 31st, 2015

the potential of life

I believe when I close my eyes I leave my body

I’m inside wind blown eucalyptus rustling drapers of bark strips

 

I believe yesterday creates today

because what I saw that night when Redwood Giants Varsity Football

ran onto Brentwood’s  lighted heritage stadium

my son became a man

 

 

I believe my love of three husbands created

what I understand about hard won dignity

Saturday’s hope forges memories when it was good

 

most of the bubbles float up to surface and pop

paper narcissus bulbs take root and blossom before New Year’s day

 

I believe Ginsberg’s Molak sought truthful San Francisco rooftops for his drunken friends

breathing life back from

double-paned windows of that psychiatric building

where his mother, Naomi couldn’t recognize her son

there’s a howl

 

I believe my chihuahua smiles at me when I tuck him under my arm

once in awhile I’m  grateful I can still walk

and my old phone number has a new ring to it

 

I was young with my second husband and we fished

off  St. John’s Island in Alaska’s Gulf

drawing a sixteen horsepower engine through green water

 

 

 

 

Spring in Marin is so beautiful

March 3rd, 2015

Mt.Tamalpais is amazing

I’m grateful to live in Northern California.  My family moved here decades ago, and my parents remained until they passed away.  My husband and I raised our two sons in Southern Marin, until they grew up and moved out on their own.

February has been especially remarkable in Marin County this year, full of clear and blue days. Daytime temperatures range in the mid-sixties, cooler evenings.  Sunset light gleams in perfect, lucid pink clouds, orange and golden. The two days of raging rain flash turned surrounding hills iridescent green, like Heaven. Continue reading “Spring in Marin is so beautiful” »

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