me in Mexico
I don’t remember the moment my heart started beating, but I’m paying attention now. My heart continues to beat and I’ll breathe while I tell you what is true. When I started writing, I did not expect to board what feels like a skyrocket. Continue reading “would you want to read this?” »
Brian Wilson and his family at the Greek Theatre concert in Los Angeles.
This is my birthday month, so I’m reflecting on my age and looking at my life from years of experience. It’s hard to believe I’m 63 years old, because I don’t feel like any age at all. The body’s older, but I still feel like me.
I notice Brian Wilson from the Beach Boys seems enthusiastic enough to defy age, and he recently had a birthday at the end of June. He performed a concert at the Greek Theatre, opening with folk singer Rodriguez, who was the subject of the documentary, Looking for Sugar Man. Continue reading “It’ s never too late” »
sunrise over ocean
I love music so much. I remember where and when songs played in my life. My first kiss occurred in seventh grade, with George, under a pool table at Korinne Koltoff’s house, while her juke box played the Beach Boys’ Surfer Girl. My friends loved the Beatles, but I resonated with Brian Wilson Beach Boys’ harmonies and their tender sounds. I was a Stinson Beach body surfer girl. Continue reading “I wish he knew” »
the potential of life
I believe when I close my eyes I leave my body
I’m inside wind blown eucalyptus rustling drapers of bark strips
I believe yesterday creates today
because what I saw that night when Redwood Giants Varsity Football
ran onto Brentwood’s lighted heritage stadium
my son became a man
I believe my love of three husbands created
what I understand about hard won dignity
Saturday’s hope forges memories when it was good
most of the bubbles float up to surface and pop
paper narcissus bulbs take root and blossom before New Year’s day
I believe Ginsberg’s Molak sought truthful San Francisco rooftops for his drunken friends
breathing life back from
double-paned windows of that psychiatric building
where his mother, Naomi couldn’t recognize her son
there’s a howl
I believe my chihuahua smiles at me when I tuck him under my arm
once in awhile I’m grateful I can still walk
and my old phone number has a new ring to it
I was young with my second husband and we fished
off St. John’s Island in Alaska’s Gulf
drawing a sixteen horsepower engine through green water
this is the labryinth design
Thanks to the flow of people and love, we have a lavender labyrinth completed in what used to be a horse arena. Mokelumne Lavender is in business!! Mokelumne is the name of three forks of our rivers in this region. We live between the north and middle fork of the Mokelumne. Our pond eventually flows into the middle fork down below our property.
I want beauty in my life and my community, and Phase One of our simple lavender business has begun. We started growing lavender with three hundred large Lavendula x-intermedia,’Grosso,’ planted into a maze design. I met Patience Diaz in July, who came from Shasta Lavender Farm to our house for consultation in August. She instructed us about the feasibility of establishing a lavender farm on our property. Patience helped us decide where to plant, and made suggestions for getting the soil tested, checking for drainage, and different types of lavender choices that would be appropriate for our labyrinth. Continue reading “Lavender Labyrinth Lives” »
Stinson Beach from Mt.Tam road
Ten years ago, Jennifer asked me to be her spiritual advisor as she died of an inoperable brain tumor. Of course I said yes, but really felt ill equipped to be somebody’s spiritual advisor. She was my neighbor, people called her Skeeter as a child, because she was such a fast swimmer. I miss that woman, and she taught me how to be brave. Tuesday’s with Morrey by Mitch Albom had recently come out, and I read it, so Jennifer and I could talk about her process. I told her Morrie’s parable about the little wave. Continue reading “Little Wave” »
Me happy at Chichen Itza, Mexico
Ezekiel Emanuel wrote an article in the Atlantic Monthly, Why I hope to die at 75. He asks the question, “Are we to embrace the “American immortal” or my “75 and no more” view?” He plans no life sustaining medical procedures or tests after the age of 75. Ezekiel is not trying to die, but won’t prolong his life in any event of illness.
I suggest people read Emanuel’s article and decide for themselves how they feel about elder research for longevity. We should be having big conversations about what we truly want for our country.
Mortality seems to be a topic people do not want to discuss, because we obviously face unknown territory. I was forced to think about dying at age sixteen, when my father committed suicide. I earnestly contemplated what mortality meant for us, and tried to understand death because I was afraid of it, since my father’s suicide had been such an unnatural shock. Continue reading “Let me go after 75” »
We must take care
My son Brian went to Children’s Circle Center in Tiburon for daycare as a toddler when I went to work, and the teachers loved to sing. I remember many songs they sang to him as a little guy, because he sang the songs to me many, many times. Clearly those songs made an impact.
“The earth is our mother
We must take care of her
The earth is our mother
We must take care of her” Continue reading “Consider the words” »
my tubes in snow
My childhood friend’s very short mother stood eye to eye in front of me, a seven-year old, and shook her finger at me, “YOU are so BIG!” I remember thinking, “big was bad.” I wondered why I was not seen for who I was. When I grew to over 5’10” and over two hundred pounds at certain points of my life, men and women have called me ‘a force.’ Something is dreadfully wrong. I scare people who think they know me, but they don’t know my insides.
I do not think of myself as big, or a force. I am strong enough to move a roll top desk by myself, shovel a ditch and spread forty five-gallon buckets of pea gravel into a zen garden. I have always felt like an athlete, not a fast one, but capable of swimming over a mile at a time without struggle. I rely on my strength to feel accomplished. I have felt shame and confusion from being judged because of it.
My pinball approach to life, acting and then feeling weird about what I did, is part of my character. I’m trying to articulate what is going on inside of me. Continue reading “Where does the inside meet the outside?” »
Sergio Lennon contemplates life
My high school friend recently witnessed the birth of her grandson. I can only imagine watching such a miracle, to watch life enter this world. She felt miraculous inspiration, to see an extension of herself, brand new, come through her daughter.
My oldest son turns thirty in a few days, which seems like a landmark age, for him and for me. I was thirty-two when he was born, but it seems like yesterday. I wanted him to live, and when they cut his cord, I said something like, “He’s his own man now.” Corny, but true. My son is his own man now, turning thirty in one week. The twenties are done for him, here comes his next decade. Of course, the same goes for me in the decades I’ve been around, but witnessing other people growing up and old seems more miraculous. Hopefully, we both stack up memories through the development of our lives. Continue reading “Miracles large and small” »